Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
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If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
2 years later
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.