Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
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[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
There are usually two types of merchants.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.