Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
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Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know