I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
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I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Hero horse inspires millions
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?