If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
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Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
[on my way back to the posting caves]
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.