ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
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If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
so much to do
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
no!! no!!!!!!