ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
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30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Has there ever been a more American story?
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.