Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
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David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.