[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
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Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.