Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
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I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank