My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
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I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.