Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
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[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
no one likes gloating