I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
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Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.