Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
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wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches