[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
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Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from