If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
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I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.