If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
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Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?