waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
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Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you