why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
You Might Also Like
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk