[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
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Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
so this horse walks into a bar
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.