Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
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Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.