Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
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I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare