Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
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Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
5 ways to appear taller
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.