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Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.