Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
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Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”