My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
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Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
We’ve all been there
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.