A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
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[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.