The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
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Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.