I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
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Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k