A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
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me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect