Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
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When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.