Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
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comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.