And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
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When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in