If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
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One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
6. me as a lawyer
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Beware of the dog..
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.