I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
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My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect