An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
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Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
buying dead houseplants to save time
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?