If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
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My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse