[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
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someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
#gardening
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.