M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
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[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.