the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
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I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.