My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
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Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
If looks could kill
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”