the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
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It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*