Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
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Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.