The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
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Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
yeah 😭
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho