Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
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A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal