Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
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“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”