My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
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SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
All is fair in drunk and war.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
The Friday File.