Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
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We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.