[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
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coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Banking tips
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
TRAIN’S HERE
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?