[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
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Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]